#jokes

A man went to see his doctor, who told him he didn’t have long to live.

Shocked, he demanded , “Well, how long have I got?”

The doctor said, “Ten…”

Cutting him off, the man said, “What, years? Months? Days!!!???”

Looking at his watch the doctor continued, “… nine… eight…”

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
#joke #jokes

What does a pig use to write his term papers with?
Pen and Oink!
#joke #jokes

I pirated a movie last night.

Gave it 3.14 stars.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

cartoon by Dan Piraro

#jokes #cartoon #technosexual #asfr #maleandroids #maleASFR

What do owls sing when it is raining ?
'Too wet to woo' !
#joke #jokes

What do songwriters do after they die?
They decompose
#joke #jokes

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was, like, 0mg!
#joke #jokes

Like British #VoiceActor competing with a #VoiceSynthesizer trained to copy his volume,rhythm,pronunciation,enunciation and tone, we will soon compete with #ChatBots that exploit our arguments,copy our #Metonyms and fascinate with our #Metaphors
They will even tell our #Jokes but yes,better told.We may stop #Writing, #Speaking,#Singing,#Dancing,#Painting or #Sculpting coz an
#ArtificialIntelligence powered progam would have done it before thought of what we are going to create leaves our minds.

#jokes

Little known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama.
Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush.
#joke #jokes

#jokes

She's an intersectional feminist!
He's a union man!
Together, they're teaching a course on set theory!

#TogetherTheyFightCrime #Jokes

I'm a traveling art collector, but not doing so well...
I'm always in need of Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh.
#joke #jokes

Why did the apple do Pilates?

To work on his core.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists....
They're flying off the shelves!
#joke #jokes

A vampire could've photobombed every picture you've ever been in and you will never know
#joke #jokes

Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters.
Just in case they get a hole in one.
#joke #jokes

This literally made me laugh out loud. I wish I knew who made it.

Update: thanks to @alexskunz we have an illustrator credit. Nick Hardcastle from this awesome article:

https://www.mrporter.com/en-us/journal/lifestyle/how-to-escape-from-a-moving-car-707094

#Jokes #Humor #Funny #SometimesThingsThatMakeUsLaughAlsoMakeUsCry

Cosmetic surgery used to be #taboo, but now when you talk about #Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

#joke #jokes #dadjoke #dadjokes #humour #humor

When I worked in Produce, I used to put up signs like that at the registers to confuse the cashiers. Also to make fun of all the weird produce.

#signs #funnysigns #jokes

What do you call the AI that makes music?
A Dell.
#joke #jokes

 hairlessness =  perfection 💗

#lgbt #lgbtq🌈 #lgbtq #lgbtpride #lgbtcommuntiy #lgbt🌈#trans #transgirl #transwoman #transisbeautiful #transgender #transpride #female
#transmodel #transbeauty #femme #feminism #feminist #feminineenergy #comedy #funny #humor #lol #jokes #hilarious #laughter #funnyvideos #comedian #funnymemes #funnyposts #comedyvideos #funnypictures
#laughs #funnymoments #funnystuff #acting #actor #actress #actinglife
#actorslife #filmmaking #drama #actresslife #meme #memes

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?
And this is just their way of breaking the ice.
#joke #jokes

Why did the bank robbers call their travel agent?

To plan a getaway.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I'm gonna have an Avengers themed birthday party
But don't tell anyone, I'm trying to keep it Loki.
#joke #jokes

Crime in multi-storey car parks is just wrong on so many levels!

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun

Wherever he is my father will be looking down on us.

He’s not dead… just very condescending.

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun

What goes clop clop, clop clop, Bang! Bang! Clop clop...
An Amish drive-by shooting.
#joke #jokes

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar in Londinium. The barman says, “What can I get you, sir?”

The Centurion flicks a V-sign. “Bit rude,” thinks the barman.

“5 beers please,” says the Centurion.

🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun #Rome #Roman #Romans #RomanNumerals #Centurion

Did you hear about the guy who drank brake fluid everyday?
He says he's fine and can stop whenever he wants.
#joke #jokes

Why doesn’t the writer look out the window in the morning?

Because what would they do in the afternoon?
#humorous #jokeoftheday #jokes

If you’re British and of a certain age you’ll know this sketch. If you’ve not seen it, here it is…

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun #TwoRonnies
https://youtu.be/CNTM9iM1eVw?feature=shared

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun

This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech. I said: "Do you want me to be funny?" They said: "No, just be yourself.”

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun

"You're sure you understand stock trading?"
ME: Yep
"Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?"
#joke #jokes

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #comedy #fun #LOL #facepalm #extremefacepalm #notmyfault #fun #just4fun

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.
#joke #jokes

I’m going on a camping holiday but I’m not happy with my travel insurance.

Apparently, if my tent blows away during the night I’ll no longer be covered.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A lot of schools are back in session.
Remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate.
#joke #jokes

When I was young, you could go into a corner shop with $1 and come out with 2 cokes, 3 Freddos and a magazine.
Nowadays, there's CCTV everywhere.
#joke #jokes

What goes up and down but doesn't move?
...
...
...
A staircase.

#riddle #fun #funny #joke #jokes

Why can't you play cards on a small boat?
Because someone is always sitting on the deck.
#joke #jokes

He's unbearable if you ask him about the free market! She's unbearable if you ask her about free meerkats! Together, they sell NFTs!

#TogetherTheyFightCrime #Jokes

Sorry, could not resist.
#BrainEno #badjokes #jokes

Confucious he say...
Man who walk before car gets tired, man who walk behind car gets exhausted
#joke #jokes

Doctor says I'm not supposed to eat before falling asleep...
..but how am I suppose to eat **after** falling asleep?
#joke #jokes

What kind of sea creature is best at managing #UNIX permissions?

An Octalpus.

#linux #joke #jokes

Did anyone ever have a teacher request a volunteer for a demonstration and then have absolutely zero kids raise their hand and so the teacher invariably called on the most socially awkward and least qualified or prepared kid in the class who just proceeded to stand there like a feckless sock puppet. Kevin McCarthy.

#usa #gop #jokes #news

Crap. I came into the office today and it looks like someone brought Covid in.
#DogsOfMastodon
#Jokes
#ImClean #ComeBack

Here’s another one of Pip Madeley’s #DoctorWho #parody videos.

Despite the title there is no actual #swearing or #cursing 🤐

DOCTOR WHO HAS GOT A FILTHY MOUTH... THE ORIGINAL, YOU MIGHT SAY | Parody | No Swearing - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uw0NIGTV7F0

#comedy #jokes #funny #humour #humor #funnyvideos #WilliamHartnell #FirstDoctor

A buddy and I are in the same programming class
My friend starts writing down a note I look at it
He says "Hay! That note is private"
I respond "But we are in the same class"
#joke #jokes

This morning, #Siri said, “Don’t call me #Shirley.” I’d accidentally left my #phone in #Airplane mode.

#joke #jokes #jokesofmastodon #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #dadjokes #funny #humour #humor #puns #Apple #iPhone #film #films #movie #movies #comedy

Did you hear about the chef who rented a second apartment just for his utensils?

He calls it his spatula pad.

#dadjokes #jokes #badjokes

I think that this is the cause of our #bitter, at-each-others'-throats #politics.

There are #jokes about how the closer your views are to someone else, without being identical, the more you hate each other.

See https://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/The_Heretic , or the common remark that "academic politics are so vicious because the stakes are so small" (Sayre's Law).

Our parties are all bunched up in a #tiny #corner, #hating each other because they're basically all the #same.

11/x

A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.

When asked by reporters what had happened, a witness replied, "Well... it's kind of hard to say..."

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date it went OK
#joke #jokes

Some may wonder how scientists were able to develop the invisible lizard so quickly ...

But it was clear from the gecko.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A lorry load of wigs has been stolen from down town.
Police are combing the area for clues.
#joke #jokes

I wait for my mother to buy a new bit of machinery for their house, and then I tell my dad that said piece of machinery is voice-activated.

You have not known true joy until you have seen a 76-year-old man tell an electric blanket to go **** itself.

#jokes #joke #dadjoke #dadjokes #humor #humour #funny #jokeoftheday #jokesofmastodon

My ex dumped me because of my constant Linkin Park references.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
#joke #jokes

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, “Thanks.”

I replied, “Don’t mention it.”

#joke #jokes #dadjoke #dadjokes #jokeoftheday #funny #humor #humour

So as an IT Desktop engineer there are two errors one really hates if one gets caught short …..

One is bad, the other is much , much worse!

#Tech #Jokes #Humour #DadJoke

"Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!"
- pumpkin
#joke #jokes

My cooking is incredible.
With a silent 'cr'.
#joke #jokes

Business plan:
1) Spend 20 years mastering karate
2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don't know karate
3) Rob them
#joke #jokes

I once met a shy pebble.

She wished she was a little bolder.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Did you hear about the new creative writing class in prison?
It has its prose & cons
#joke #jokes

Why did the ghost keep coming back to the library?

She went through books too quickly.
#humorous #jokeoftheday #jokes

Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes?
Because all the good ones Argon.
#joke #jokes

@dgar
More faux pa #jokes, please. I can never remember a #joke, but I sure laugh when I read them.

@Jaden2

#puns
#jokes
#dadjokes

@fro_vo #puns
#jokes
#dadjokes

Taylor Swift makes songs for people who need elevator music to stare off into the distance and wonder where it all went wrong. #jokes #swiftie #ts #taylorswift

I need to get this kind of prescription!!

#Humor #Meme #Joke #Jokes
#Funny #Humour #LOL #DadJokes

Tried to look up a pavlova recipe, but autocorrect meant I looked a pavlovian recipe. Tasted awful, but I still ate it all as soon as the alarm on the oven went off. Weird.

#Psychology #Jokes #ScienceHumour #MoreCleverThanItIsFunny #AndItsNotThatClever

Does anyone listen to #BillBurr? Someone compared him to classic #EddieMurphy (SNL), but when he described the guy’s #jokes they seemed politically tainted and edgy

Thoughts?

#comedy #comedian #funny

I believe in you.
I also believe in dragons, so don't get too excited.
#joke #jokes

My favorite character of Hungarian jokes is Aggressive Piglet. There are dozens of jokes, and they are... very quotable.

1.
Aggressive Piglet rides a bike, runs into a wall, and falls. Rabbit sees this.
"OMG, Piglet, are you okay?"
Piglet:
"Shut up! THIS IS HOW I PARK!"

2.
"Piglet, what are you doing up that tree?"
"Eating cherries!"
"But piglet, this is a pine tree!"
"I BROUGHT SOME!"

Finally, my favorite
3.
"Piglet, wake up! It will be 8 o'clock soon!"
"NO IT WON'T BE!"

#jokes #Hungary 🐷

Coffin!
Child A is starting to invent their own #jokes and #puns and I may soon be outclassed by someone 1/8 of my age. #parenting

You shouldn't worry about your phone or PC spying on you....your vacuum cleaner has been collecting your dirt for years...

#jokes #dadjokes #funny

What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
#joke #jokes

New Dictionary Entries 2023 (vol 2) - 1/3

Jester - A county town of Jeshire.

Gullible - Print defamatory statement about sea birds

Genie - Looks like denim

Altercation - Change your holiday plans.

Inside - To kill a pub.

Wander - someone who makes magicians equipment.

#Jokes #Puns

I took a job at a broth factory.

The salary is low but at least there are stock options.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What's your favourite #technology related #funny #jokes that I may have missed?

Deleted the previous version of this as it once again showed up as a reply to someone else.

Please boost. I will follow nearly anyone who posts about the following:
#Muppets
#FraggleRock
#SesameStreet
#Disney movies and shows
#StarTrek
#TMNT
#Ghostbusters
#RealGhostbusters
#TeddyRuxpin
#Fandom in general
#Witchcraft
#Mythology
#Fantasy
#Food
#Recipes
#Jokes

Husband: "Lost my wallet again."
Wife: "It's in your jeans."
Husband: "Come on, Why do you have to drag my family into this!"
#joke #jokes

Why did the #SandhillCrane cross the road, by the way?

To get to his buddies on the other side.

I'm still workshopping my #jokes about #birds.

Are all people who don't have syphilis, unsyphilised?

🐢💨
#jokes

My 11 year old just said in a Dalek voice
"Keir Starminate"
And I honestly couldn't be more proud.

#UKpolitics #satire #humour #jokes #labour #Starmer #DrWho #Daleks

How about you, #allosexual (not asexual) people? Do you have a naughty mind? Do you see certain meanings in any shape that is longer than wide? Or are you a mature, reasonable, sophisticated sort?
#poll #polls #jokes #humour

Birthdays are good for health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer
#joke #jokes

#Meta's #Threads Is Already Off To A #Questionable #Start For The #Gays

And #Threads’ #policy against #NSFW #content is…definitely not chill. So many #drawbacks, and even more #jokes making fun of them.

#Women #Transgender #LGBTQ #LGBTQIA #SocialMedia #Threads #Twitter #Hate #Bigotry #Homophobia #Transphobia

https://www.pride.com/technology/gay-twitter-threads#rebelltitem17

If you're looking for somebody to blame for this terrible wordplay, I can't take all the credit. [points finger at @fleeblewidget]

#jokes #puns #language

Collective nouns apply when you've got several of something, like a "herd" of cows or a "pride" of lions.

What would singular nouns look like?

More: https://danq.me/solitary-nouns

#jokes #puns #language

My half-brother and I are no longer allowed to play with saws.

#DadJoke #Jokes

Some #jokes, when I make them up, feel more like I've discovered them, revealed them, like stumbling over a partially-unearthed fossil and picking it out.

Like, the #punchline is so inevitable, so elegantly prefigured in the pre-existing setup, "hiding in plain sight," that once I've said it, I can hardly believe I'm the first.

I request that you reply to this post with a #joke you came up with that you feel like you *discovered*.

(I wonder what patterns we'll find. Lots of puns? Reversals?)

Updated #Introduction

I am a professional tax lawyer, and I do sometimes post about that but much more I'm here for loopy jokes and blog posts that strike my fancy.

Big fan of CWs, don't hesitate to ask me to CW a topic.

Some of these like Romance novels are somewhat aspirational, would love to see more about it in the feed

Other interests plus tags
#RomanceBooks #Romance
#ScienceFiction #SF #SciFi
#Fantasy
#Improv
#Comedy
#Jokes
#Law
#Tax
#Lawyer
#MentalHealth
#History
#Linguistics

Hola, I'm basically new here! 🥰 Meet my cat Oliver. ❤️ :ablobcatreachrev: #welcome #introductorypost #introduction #TwitterRefugee Looking for new friends. I like #coffee #cats #humor #poetry #art #writing #photography #genealogy #journalism #tarot #history #antiques #florida #funny #jokes #snark weird stuff like #oceangate, #politics #nature #birds #birdwatching #science Warning: I can swear like a sailor sometimes! :nkoOwO: #CatsOfMastodon #Caturday

I guess I should make this my #introduction post, since I never really did that.

Hiya, I'm ivory, also known as ioletsgo. I'm a SFW furry artist, musician/audiophile, tech nerd, and comedian.

If you have any questions around any ultra-specific field of Linux Support that relates to any of the specified hobbies, I would be more than happy to help out in the best of my ability!
I have a blog that I sub-frequently update that you can visit Here:
https://ioletsgo.gay/blog

The character that I draw the most often is Ivy, a cyan shapeshifting fox-like character who wears her heart on her sleeve.

I play musical instruments in my free time, my primary instrument is the Trumpet, but I dabble in the Baritone Saxophone, Guitar, and Midi Keyboard every once in a while!

I'm also feeling like opening my Art Commissions sometime soon, so if you like what you see, don't be afraid to send me a follow!

and now a buttload of Tags: #art #artist #artistsonmastodon #furry #furryartwork #furryart #tech #Technology #music #musician #comedy #jokes #meme #memes

My friend didn't like having a beard ...

but then it grew on him.
#Jokes #DadJokes

@counternotions would make a great nft #jokes

I couldn't find my mustache for a whole week!

It was right under my nose the entire time.
#Jokes #DadJokes

(It, fortunately, hasn't been a whole week since the last joke. But I really have been slacking off! 😅 )

You think world history is funny?

#History or #Jokes